just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Randomize
