textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
