we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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