ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
