look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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