there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
