I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
