Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
