I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
