why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
