He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
