I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
