My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
