dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
