I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
