i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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