I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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