I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Randomize
