im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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