i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
