dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize