i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
