Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
