the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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