WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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