so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
