What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
