omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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