Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
