If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
