did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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