I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
