before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
