Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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