tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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