fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize