I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Did I show you my penis last night?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
