Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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