allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
