when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
