He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
