I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
