It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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