do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
