remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
