Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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