The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
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