And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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