Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
