You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
