I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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