The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Pooping to opera.
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