I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
