just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize