I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
