my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
