So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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