I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
